I received an email the other day from an old friend asking how we managed the transitions from one move to another. She has a friend who has had to make an international move and her children are not adapting well. My heart goes out to this woman. It is hard enough to organize a life in a new place, but to see your children suffer sadness makes the whole experience miserable. I know. I have been there.

Our first move to Australia was particularly hard on my daughter. We had just dragged her away from her little school that she had attended since she was 3. And what was worse, we took her away from her cherished aunties who doted and spoiled her. My husband and I love our kids, but the love my children received from my family was super special and something we could not duplicate. Couple that with the fact that I was bitter about the move, you can imagine my first month in Australia was not the most fun I had ever had.

So, what did I do? I faked it. Yup, I never let them see me cry. Well, there was that one time that Lana and I both broke down sobbing hysterically in a children’s art class at the local art gallery, but other than that spectacle I never let them see me cry. I was honest that I missed home. Honest that this was an adventure dad wanted to have. Honesty is very important, but I needed to put on a brave face and be positive if I wanted them to try to make it work. I also never blamed their father. He was the reason we left the States and he was very excited about this adventure, but it was pointless to focus on that. I needed to make this an adventure.

So here is what I recommend:

1. Keep busy: I might be a bit crazy, but I think if you are busy you are less likely to be sad. So I try to make sure that we have things to do. This is true for adults as well as for kids. It is also a way to sell yourself on where you are. Finding things to do in Sydney was easy. But really there is no excuse, anywhere. Even in our small village in Portugal there are many options that are not too far. Make your weekends fun. Show the kids that this new place is great. If you are working, than being busy is easy. If you are not working than volunteer. If the kids are in school then take the time to enjoy at least part of the weekend with them.

2. Set up playdates: People, I can not emphasize how important this is. Life is crazy. Weekdays can be insane, but these are kids and they deserve their time to play. This is a challenge here in Portugal as school hours are crazy and activities run very late, but even if it’s only on Fridays and the weekend it is really important for kids to have a relaxed time outside of school to play. When I was in Sydney and in Auckland I would set one day during the school week for each child that they could invite a friend over to play. Reflecting on that I realize that often that drop-off/pick-up time was also a time for me to chat with the parents. It’s how I became friends with some of the people that I now most adore in this world.

3. Get involved: Now I will admit I have been very lucky. On each of these three moves I have not had to work so I have been lucky to volunteer at each of the schools where my children attended. But there are ways to volunteer even if you do work. Even if it’s bringing things to school. Ask the teacher if she needs things cut for the kindergarten class that you can do on the weekends. Bake for the bake sales…anything! Your kids will love it. I have met the best people by volunteering in my kids schools. Even this last one which I thought would be a snob haven I have met just the most gorgeous people. Do it, you will not regret it.

4. Be yourself: When we enrolled our kids at a certain ‘fancy’ school someone in our family suggested we would need to get a new car for school drop off. I had the smallest car with a few dents. My opinion was that I was sending my kids there for an education, not to impress anyone. I am a firm believer that character counts. Of course a flashy car and fancy clothes impress, but if we can not be ourselves than what are we teaching our children to be. This also applies when my daughter tells me that ‘this one can..” or ‘this one has…’ My response is that our family does it this way. I am defining what is right for me and the standards I live by. I want my children to know that defining who they are is their choice, not anyone else’s.

5. Make it an adventure…no one knows where the road will lead you, so enjoy the ride: Do you think I ever thought I would be living in Portugal and happily sending my kids to school here? Never in my wildest dreams, but here I am. And tomorrow. I am not too sure. So we talk, we address issues, we look for possible solutions and we keep sight of that fact that if things are really ever that horrible we will look for a change. Now that is not a perfect solution. At age 7 when we were flying to visit friends I was discussing where we would pick to live that would be fair to everyone and my daughter’s response was, “Can’t you see there is no fair. That there is no way we can all be happy when each of us wants to be in a a different place and sometimes 2 places at once.” Okay, that one got me. But even though our hearts are pulled in different directions, I try to remember how lucky we are to have seen new and different things and to have met people that we can now not imagine not being a part of our lives. It’s hard. But it’s blessed.

6. Don’t lose hope that it can get better: When we arrived in Australia it was the worst time of my life. I was dealing with the residuals of facial paralysis. I felt horrible and ugly and I was in a strange new place with a lot beautiful people. I never, never thought I could make that place home. Two years later I had a wonderful group of friends and my children were a part of a beautiful community. When we left both my children and I did not want to move on. Never had I thought I would feel that way. But I did.

7. Give them heaps of love. Sometimes I am bad at this. I get angry. Lose my patience. Yell. But they are our babies. Love them. And know that they love you. You are family and so long as you are together you will all be alright. And sometimes, when it is really bad, I climb into bed with them and cuddle them. It sometimes is all I want.

Good luck:)

Keep busy