This past Tuesday I had my third chemo session. The day before treatment I got my bags all packed. As I approached the bags I felt sick to my stomach. I knew that it was psychosomatic, but the feeling was real.
I am not sure what it was but this past treatment was not fun. I felt uncomfortable and was really bothered by the cold cap treatment. At the end of the treatment, all I wanted to do is go home and wash the ickiness off of me. Unfortunately because of my Neulasta patch, I couldn’t shower for 27 hours. If you know one thing about me is that I like to shower at least once a day. I was simply miserable.
With each new day comes the opportunity to come back to center, for me, it is the time I spend reading the Bible and in prayer. I started yesterday off beautifully. I stayed busy as I held out for that evening shower. So it was with some dismay that so much hair was falling out in the shower.
It has been a little over a week that I have noticed hair loss. This was something that I was trying to avoid with the cold cap treatment. On Tuesday there were no bald spots which is really great. But yesterday night was different. I am balding in spots. After a bit of a cry, I shared the news with Stephen, the kids, and my siblings. Funny, calling the, was more about giving them a heads up that I was going to look different than it was an act of self-consolation.
You see, this is hard, but I have God by my side and I know that this hair loss means that the chemo is working. I want this cancer GONE! If it takes my hair so be it. Just leave me cancer!
This song popped up the other day and I added it to my running playlist as I often do when good songs come on. When it came on during my run/walk the day after I met with my surgeon I had the opportunity to actually listen to the lyrics and I was brought to a standstill with tears pouring down my face.
I feel glorious, glorious Got a chance to start again I was born for this, born for this It’s who I am, how could I forget? I made it through the darkest part of the night And now I see the sunrise Now I feel glorious, glorious I feel glorious, glorious
Cancer sucks. Cancer during a pandemic sucks more. But I am strong. And I am loved. Each step towards healing is a glorious gift. As I listened to the lyrics by heart swelled. I simply could not contain how much love I felt in my heart for all my blessings. In a minute I could call on any of my siblings and they would come running. My father in his elderly state would do ANYTHING for me. Stephen and the kids would too!
Damn, this cancer stinks, but my blessings are greater and for that, I feel GLORIOUS!
Last Tuesday I met with my surgeon. Being a quarter way through my chemo she wanted to check if there was any shrinking of the cancer in my lyphnodes. The great news is that there was some shrinking which means the chemo seems to be working.
As the masses in my breast are not seen well with the ultrasound machine, we couldn’t really check on those. Because my cancer is not visible in a mammogram or ultrasound I asked if a double mastectomy might be a smart decision to avoid a future undetected cancer. That, or would I be a candidate for an annual MRI. The doctor said that I am now a candidate for an annual MRI which is great news. She also shared that she feels a lumpectomy might be all that I need if the chemo continues to do its job.
My surgeon is highly recommended, but she is also a sweet soul and I left her office feeling thoughtfully cared for. Surgery is due in March and I feel that I will be in great hands.
My cancer is not…..terminal. That makes me incredibly lucky.
My cancer ….was caught early. How grateful I am my doctor requested additional tests.
My cancer is not…..a childhood cancer. I am a grown woman who can deal with the poking and prodding. I can understand the disease and am old enough to reason that the pain is temporary.
My cancer is… in my body, not that of my child. Many would give anything to be in my shoes.
My cancer is…..curable, not simply treatable. This disease is a chapter in my book and I get to turn to another after. For some, they will endure this disease and its treatment indefinitely to keep cancer at bay so that they can stay alive.
My cancer treatment is…being taken care of by the insurance coverage I have.
My cancer…is not preventing me from earning an income.
Yes, my cancer is defining this time in my life, but I know that it does not define me. I recognize the impact it is having, but my blessings are greater than this disease. If you feel sad for me, please don’t. But if you want to do something I know that Anne’s Place or St. Jude’s Hospital are two organizations that support those who need assistance. For me, I simply ask that you say a prayer in my name. Cancer has not only shown me how very lucky I am but also how very much I have to live for.
I am a runner. I like to wake up by 4 am, drink a cup of coffee, read the Bible, and pray. Then I walk out my door and meet my friend Lisa for a run. Typically we run 6 miles, but on the weekend we can run up to 10 or 12. It is what keeps me healthy both physically and mentally.
Since my cancer diagnosis, everyone has told me to listen to my body and I have. As a woman who never suffered from menstrual cramps and who has only had a few headaches in her life, I am unable to ignore the nausea and body aches of chemo. There was also the week and a half before my treatment started that I had the port put in. Having a protruding device that is still healing from its placement also impacts one’s runs. Especially when it is right near your bra strapline.
SOOO, when I woke up this morning I listened to my body. It told me to get out and get some fresh air. The plan was to take a walk, but just in case I put on my sports bra.
Having my bra strap not touch my port was a win that I very much needed (note my smile). I did actually mention this very concern to my surgeon which may be part of the reason that it is located where is, but it may have just been good luck. I quickly got all geared up. It was a nippy 26F this morning which is good. I am not meant to be pulling my hair back, nor am I meant to wash it more than once a week. I don’t think I could run in the summer with my hair down. Having cancer during the winter is a WIN!
I walked and ran to start, but halfway through my loop, I put my running mix on. I knew today was not about listening to podcasts or the news, but all about escaping into music. It was bliss. One of the songs that popped onto my list was recently borrowed from my friend Jill’s running list. It brought a smile to my face thinking of times we have spent dancing together and of times to come doing the same.
The next song that I stopped on was shared by my friend Nancy. She recommended it when I was looking for songs for an upcoming half-marathon. This song is one that often brings me to dance and/or clap while I am running. As it started I simply smiled, but as I sang the lyrics hit me. “The whole world’s out of sync.” You’re telling me! How unfair it is that I have cancer?!?!? I eat so healthily! I run all the time! I don’t use chemicals in my home cleaning products! Crickey, I make my own almond milk!
I stopped, cried, and closed my eyes. I wanted to scream, but I knew that I would alarm my neighbors, so I decided to just stand there and breathe. In a flash, I knew that it wasn’t in fact unfair. That this cancer, the very two cancerous growths that they still cannot see with a mammogram may have been there for some time. Maybe my healthy lifestyle slowed the growth. Maybe doing the right thing helped me in some way. I will never know, but this for sure, but it is a definite maybe.
Maybe the cancer is a gift to remind me that I have had 49 really wonderful years and that if I want to have 49 more I need to continue to embrace the good that I have been blessed with and to continue to treat myself in a respectful manner.
The song played on and I danced and ran and dance some more. And then I thought of my friends dancing to this song. And that was JOY. So, don’t feel sad for me. Nope. Scroll up, hit play and DANCE!!!!
My first chemo session was this past Tuesday. I had been warned that the side effects might not hit me until two or three days afterward. I felt GREAT the day after and it wasn’t until Thursday that the queasiness and lightheadedness hit. Sure I didn’t feel great, but I didn’t feel awful. Drinking fresh ginger tea and eating loads of bread made a huge difference. Easy.
On Saturday it started to become clear that the Neufesta was doing its job. Unfortunately, that meant every bone in my body was sore. Every bone, my cheekbones, my cranium, my back…. I am sure you get it. It was then that I realized that I was sick. Sick during a pandemic. Now, I am a pretty optimistic and positive person so imagine my realizing that I am at very high risk if I catch Covid-19.
Saturday night I realized that I have some choices to make to keep myself safe. I could ask my family to quarantine, but I can’t. I simply can not ask that of my children. This pandemic has already been so unfair to them. They are still my priority and any plan needs to have their needs at the top of the list.
My plan A was to get them all in a car and ship them off to Snowmass. It is where they were meant to be if I had not gotten my diagnosis. After chats with family and a couple of friends, I think we have a Plan B. Right now it looks as Lana will move in with Raquel. Lana is the most ‘active’ of the four of us so ‘removing’ her from the mix might make me and the others less likely to contract Covid.
I know that Lana is ready to go off into the world. She has utterly impressed both Stephen and myself this year in the manner with which she has tackled every aspect of the pandemic, the college application process, and life. I had joked that I wanted to spoil her rotten this year because she will be off next September. So this, this seems a little unfair. I really want my girl here. I love dotting on her, I love our chats, I love our laughs. Asking Lana to go to Raquel’s is about the least natural thing for this mother to do. But I am doing it for her. I want her to continue to live her life, to swim, to see her friends. And more than anything I want years and years to enjoy with her. I love you Lana.
A couple of weeks have passed. Funny, but will I now start to define my life based on the date of my diagnosis? Me before and the ME after cancer? Who knows?
What I do know is that Nov. 10, 2020 will go down in the books as a pretty significant date in my life. SO much has happened between then and today. But one thing I know is that I feel great gratitude. For one, I will not die from my breast cancer. If that is not a reason to celebrate then I do not know what is. Then there is the gratitude I feel for my family. Don’t get me started. I could write a book. And my friends. They are the BEST!
But the peace I feel at this moment comes from the relationship that I have with Jesus. I know this may make some feel uncomfortable. I TOTALLY get it. I was you once.
Back in March, I wrote about my time in Nashville. Soon after that, a friend gave me a couple of books. One was her childhood Bible. Yes!, Her gift from her parents when she turned 13 years old! This friend did not want to give me her Bible but said she heard a calling from Jesus that I needed it. Since I was gifted these precious books from her I have dedicated time every morning to pray. Let me tell you the peace that that has given me. Each day I pray and then make the decision to live in faith and to try to live like Him. That’s it. Easy. Since Jesus was a pretty awesome dude I find that it is a nice aspiration to strive for. I can’t really go wrong with my daily decisions if I am keeping him in mind.
Since finding out about the cancer I have continued to trust Him. As Stephen said, this is an adventure and I simply have to have faith that this is an opportunity to learn and continue to have faith.
A couple of weeks ago between zoom PPTs I received a call on my cell phone. The cell service at DHS is awful so I had to get up and walk into the conference room and practically smash my face against the window to be heard. It was my GP calling to give me the results of a biopsy. Even through the crackly line, I could hear her sweet cheerful voice and I knew that this was just a routine call back. I gave her my office number and awaited her call. I answered and once again was met with her pleasantness. My only thought was that I like this lady.
Shock is putting it mildly when I try to explain how I felt when she told me that I had cancer. As she kept talking to me, all I heard was a muffled noise. I didn’t want to be rude, but I needed her to stop talking. After sitting and listening for a bit I apologized and told her I had to go.
I immediately called Stephen. Of course, he answered in the charmingly stupid way he does pretending to be Portuguese with his minute-long greeting. I interrupted him. I told him that I had cancer. In that moment I passed the shock to him. I didn’t mean to, but that is what happened. I then hung up and called my principal. She didn’t answer. That was probably best as I am closer to my VP. She, being the gorgeously wonderful person she is, offered to come and give me a hug. I demanded that she not. Not only are we in a pandemic, but she is pregnant, VERY pregnant, and I did not want to risk getting her sick. I asked her simply to tell the other building admin as I needed them to know, but I didn’t want to talk about it.
Then I washed my face and attended a 12:30 PPT.
Do not ask me how I spent the rest of the day. That, I can not tell you. What I can tell you is that when I walked in the door Stephen met me and hugged me. AS he held me he assured me that this was simply another adventure that we were going to take together.
I am a runner and a yoga practitioner. By all accounts, I am pretty fit. I try to eat whole foods and for the most part, I eat plant-based. All of the above is true.
What is also true is that I love wine. Typically I save that for the weekends, but during quarantine every day has been a weekend, right? I also really LOVE dark chocolate (vegan) and my ultimate vice is potato chips. I won’t even tell you how much of those I consume, but it’s bad.
When we lived in Portugal I walked a lot: to the kids’ school, to the shops, to the beach and if I needed to go further, I would often walk to the train station to get myself to whatever destination. This, plus a more flexible schedule allowed me to keep my weight down 7-10lbs lighter than what I have weighed since my return to the United States. Since coming back, my work schedule combined with the kids’ manic activity schedules gave me a perfect excuse for missed workouts, quick snacks and some less healthy, but quick meals for the family.
Now, flash forward to quarantine. I am one of the lucky ones who still has a job. It’s different, but I am still able to do my work from home and get paid for it. What I also now have is a few more hours that I no longer use to commute to work or drive my son around. Yesterday I decided that I needed to take advantage of this time to get my weight back on track.
BMI Categories:
Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
Overweight = 25–29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater
I won’t tell you how much I weigh, but I will tell you that my BMI is currently 26.6 which puts me just in the overweight range. Now please, I am in no panic about this. I know that I have a lot of muscle mass. I know that I am a good person and that I am loved. But, I also know that I have a few pounds to lose. So I am going to lose them and I am going to keep them off!
I am also lucky in that I have been able to get some guidance from an Ayurvedic practitioner. I had sought Kathy out not because of a need to lose weight but because I had been having some medical issues since January. I was also worried about not getting restful sleep and having very low energy. I signed up for a 5 week online course and I am already feeling better. This idea to lose weight had nothing to do with my wanting to learn more about Ayurveda, but as I considered what I was putting in my body, I had to acknowledge that not all I consume is benefitting my health.
I assure you I will still be having wine with my dear friends on our zoom chats, and ice cream with my kids some evenings, but this time is a gift of sorts. And I am silly to not make the most of it.
God bless anyone reading this and my wish for you is that you stay safe and healthy.
One aspect of this global lockdown that I have appreciated is the time that I now have to run. I still find that my days are full with work, but both for the physical activity as well as the mental break, my running has become an essential aspect of my survival. Of course, I recognize how lucky I am to live in a part of the world where this is a possibility. Living in the middle of nowhere has never been such a blessing.
Before the time of quarantine, I had been running with my friend Lisa. Our runs involved 45min-2 hours straight of talking. It was a beautiful thing and we never listened to music while we ran. Since we don’t want to get each other sick we have not run together in a while. I have gone back to listening to my podcasts or songs. It helps me to not miss her and our time together as much.
The other day I was out running and each of the songs I heard on my random mix seemed to be the universe or God talking to me. The first was Bob Marley’s – Everything’s Gonna Be Alright.
This upbeat and reassuring tune made me smile. But it also broke my heart a bit for those who have lost family and friends already. For them, a future that will be alright must be that much harder to imagine.
The next song that popped up was The Specials – Free Nelson Mandela.
Immediately the complaints I or any of my family and friends have about quarantine were laughable and almost embarrassing. It also made me want to make sure that all students take the time to get to know the story of this great man. Many do not.
The next song that moved me was Anjo the Guarda (Guardian Angel) by the Tribalistas.
The Tribalistas are one of my favorite bands. Marisa Monte has the voice of an angel. That combined with the soothing voice of Carlinhos Brown was meditative as I finished my run.
Lucky am I to have the option of movement and music.
