You know the old story, Portuguese-American girl meets an Australian born New Zealander. They fall in love and decide that even though there are a thousand reasons they should not be together (his words exactly after their first date), they decide to move forward with the relationship. They agree that after they are married that their first child will be born in her home town, so she, and the child will be surrounded by her family and friends. After that, the girl agrees that she will move to New Zealand where his family lives. And then they can decide which of the two places they will live. Simple.

So simple. That is, until their daughter is born and they realize that they are stuck. Stuck together. Sounds romantic don’t it. Well, imagine knowing that you will always live away from your family and childhood friends OR that the person you love, and want to make happy, will live away from their family or friend. It was a shocker and I remember the moment I realized it. I think we both wanted to run for the hills, but that cute little baby needed both of us around, so like I said, we were stuck.

In our plan there had never been any discussion of moving to Australia, Portugal, Colorado, Hawaii, California or a Caribbean island. I am not complaining. I did when we moved to Australia. It was very hard to leave my family and friends. Not only for me, but also for my children. But after a while we settled in and we grew to love the place. The move to New Zealand was easier because we already had a network of family and old friends. When we left, I truly believed we would only be gone for a year, so it was more like going on vacation than leaving, so a quick hug, some kisses and a, “See you next year!”

I will be honest. Portugal has been a treat for me. Reconnecting with family and friends (who might as well be family) has been insanely wonderful. I love that I am getting to live in a place so connected to my mother.  I also appreciate the relative proximity to my family. I would not be honest if I did not admit these things. I will also tell you that if my husband got fed up with it I would be out of here on the next plane, but he is loving it. We both also just love the fact that our children are speaking a second language. It is fantastic to see. Lana, to our surprise, is amazingly well integrated into her class. Both socially as well as academically. Nuno, is still working out some kinks, but that is to be expected with all the extra changes that he has had to endure this year.

Last week my husband and I somehow started ‘the talk’. The ‘where are we going to live ‘ talk. No one who knows my husband will be surprised by the fact that rather than helping to narrow down our choices, he arrived at the table with a new suggestion, the Caribbean. (This is after having suggested Colorado after we visited there this year.) After I told him that he was insane. I had a look at the links he sent me and I quickly realized that it is very difficult to argue against living in Paradise. Crazy? Yes. Cool. YES! That being said, I just wasn’t sure it would be right to do to the children.

So, last week we all walked down to the beach for a family meeting and when asked if they would be okay with another year in Portugal, both children were absolutely fine with the idea. Then when we mentioned the possibility of Aspen and/or the Caribbean, the kids thought that either would be really exciting. They both loved Aspen last winter and upon seeing the pictures of the turtles in the Caribbean they were easily sold. My husband and I were somewhat shocked that the kids seemed to have a move or two left in them.

If you had asked me a few years ago where I would be today it would have included the idea of being settled somewhere. It only seems the ‘right’ thing to do.  It’s just the picking of that one place that is the challenge. There are a number of places that now feel like ‘home’ where I would love to raise my children and picking one, only one, is incredibly hard. I want my kids to know how important family is. I hope I have. I truly love our family. Right now I hope my children are aware that am I working really hard to see as much of our families and spending as much time as we can with them.

But something wonderful we have been able to experience this year is to witness the immediate re-connection that was made when our children saw their old friends. Twice this year we were fortunate to vacation with families that we met through our kids. And each time, it was as if not a day had gone by since they had last seen each other. It was beautiful. And our time with our family was equally as wonderful. No, it is not the same as living next door to your brother and fabulous sister-in-law. I have done that. And those years were a gift. But we will continue to do the best we can to see family and to encourage more and more visits here.

A lesson I learned when we moved to Australia is that no matter how much I love my extended family, that my primary responsibility is to my children and my husband. And right now, today, we are where we are supposed to be, even if that means being a bit further from family than we would all like.

Chillin’ out after the family meeting…

Dear Nuno,

These past few weeks have not been great for you. I think all the changes in the past few months have taken a toll on your little soul. First of all, you started at new school, in a new city this September. Then we went away for a month in January. It was wonderful being home in Connecticut as well as in Colorado with family and friends, but coming back to your new class after a month away was a bit rough. (Yes, we had you bumped up a year in November because you’re so good in math). I think also returning to a new apartment without daddy here was also another challenge for all of us. We love him and he makes us all feel safer.

It is times like this that daddy and I feel horrible. Part of us wishes that we had stayed in one place. That you were still playing with Jack, Freya, Reid & Oscar. But alas this is our life. And before those 4 there were the Bussmanns. And after them there was Charlie, Max, Quinn, and on and on… Moving from place to place and having to make new friends can be work. But it also has been a great opportunity to meet some wonderful people. Friends for life.

I hope when we look back you will be happy about our adventure. That you will be happy that you speak better Portuguese than dad and that sometimes you have to correct mommy too. Mate, we are so proud of you. You are in segundo ano in a Portuguese school and doing beautifully.

I took the picture above minutes after you became a reading monster. You have always loved pouring through your picture books, but here you have asked me to ‘just finish the chapter.” Something I hear just about every night from the other reading monster in our house. This means that your English is still coming along too. Mommy couldn’t be more pleased.

At this moment I am praying that things fall into place the way you would want them to. But I know for that to happen that you need to know, as I do, how truly wonderful you are. You are, and always will be my favorite boy.

I love you,

Mommy

Okay, to set the scene. I was lost. Really lost and over 20 minutes late to pick up my children at a party.

Since I had been to this family’s house before, I assumed that my innate Portuguese navigation skills would get me there again even if I was coming from a completely different direction. That was my first mistake. When I realized that in fact I could not make it there from where I started I decided to back track and start again from the way I knew. Or let me rephrase that, from the way I thought I knew. You see, as I was driving to the party there were two detours. I kid you not. Two. And this made me lost in a way that you can not imagine.

And my Tom-Tom you ask? That’s a great suggestion but the problemo was that I did not have the address. I hadn’t asked for it because I thought I knew where I was going. That and the fact that the little neighborhoods that locals refer to are not listed on GPS devices.

Another good idea would be to use my phone to call and ask directions. Brilliant idea, except that I was out of minutes and I do not have a debit card at the moment because a machine ate it up when I got my password wrong 3 times. You see, when you go away for 5 weeks to the States you forget random pins. And it’s not just me.  My husband forgot too so now we await our new cards. ANDDD in this country you can not connect your phone to a credit card. You have to go into a vodafone shop or use your cash card. I had tried to do find a shop before  heading to the party, but I did not have any luck.

As I said. I was already 20 minuted late and lost. Just writing this I can feel the panic I was in. In a moment of luck and desperation a jogger was running by. I asked him if he could tell me how to get to Bisesse. As he told me the directions all I envisioned was myself getting lost again. It was obvious that this was not going to work well. So I did the only thing a sensible thing a mother could do. I asked him to get  in the car and show me the way. People. I am a runner and this guy was obviously a serious runner. I knew he would cause me no harm because at the moment all he was thinking about was me messing up his mileage. Yet, even with that preoccupation, he was kind enough to hop in my car and showed me to where I needed to go. Once I got to the right area and  I knew how to get to the house, he hopped out. I thanked him and I laughed my ass off.

Note…I know I may have used up all my karma points on this high risk behavior, so must be super fantastic human being for a while! Now would be a good time to ask me for a favor.

When it’s your birthday not only do you get to pick what’s for breakfast (waffles), lunch (Mongolian noodle soup on top of Buttermilk Mountain), but you also have  a say in what’s for dinner. And my kid wanted ribs. She is a non-apologetic carnivore. I have no idea who first heard of this ribs restaurant, but it quickly became a place all the meat-lovers wanted to visit while in town.

After a long day my daughter decided that it was not all about her. Even though she was keen to eat at Hickory House Ribs in Aspen. She said that since her cousin Nick was not feeling well that it might be best if we just had pizza. This way we could avoid the 1/2 hour bus ride into Aspen. Well wouldn’t you know it, when Nick came in the door from a full day of skiing the first thing he asked was if we were going to Hickory House for dinner. When we answered that we could he quickly gave the two thumbs up and if I recall correctly he jumped up in glee. And that is how we ended up heading to Aspen with a kid with a bad knee and a boy with the flu.

The free bus system here is awesome. And in good company we all seemed to have a lovely time.

My nephew is too busy eating his kids size portion (still huge) of ribs to smile, but it is clear with the smile on Lana’s face that she is happier than a pig in s#&$, no pun intended.

Even my aspiring vegetarian son Nuno was happy with his meal. He got the mac ‘n cheese. My sister-in-law and I opted for the super cheap yet yummy and filing black bean burgers.

All in all it was a great night. Though having to walk a bit on a very cold night we all loved our night at the Hickory House. And if my daughter and husband have anything to say about it we will be back before we leave Colorado.

So she’s 10.

I will admit here that this birthday was not what any of us had planned. We all thought that we would be having a great time skiing with family on a mountain, but nope, we were on day 6 of being cooped up in our condo because of her bad knee. A nice condo to be sure, but cooped up nonetheless. Try as I might to make it a super day, I swear I did, it was still not the day my kid was expecting.

We started out the day with waffles. The toaster kind. Last year on her birthday we hadn’t been able to find them in the grocery store in Wanaka. And yes, I love making everything from scratch, but not in a caravan. This year I did get a complaint from my nephew that the toaster waffles were not as good as homemade, but mate, there is only so much a mother can be. I figure after they added the whip cream, chocolate sauce, maple syrup and sprinkles they wouldn’t be able to taste much of the waffle anyway. In full disclosure this picture is of the cousins eating their waffles the day after her birthday. I was suckered into allowing another morning of gluttony.

After breakfast Lana and I were left alone. I know, I know, it was her birthday, but after seeing Disney channel in the background for 5 days I was losing my mind. Then add to the fact that my kid who seemed to be on the mend two days before was all of a sudden limping again. It was a bit frustrating for us all. We were questioning our decision not to get an MRI. There were some tears and arguing, but rather than go to the doctor at lunch time (plan C) we went with our birthday plan B which was to try to meet the family on top on the mountain for lunch. Usually this involves nothing more timing things, but today we had to try to negotiate getting a kid with an injury but a season pass (can ride every day at no additional cost) and a mother with no injury, but no skis on either and no season pass and not willing to pay my albeit reduced daily rate to ride the lift.

Well aren’t we lucky that the ski lift attendant was a kind soul who also happened to be a Capricorn and let us on the lift. See no skis, just her mother’s nice boots.

We rode to the top where we met our entire family and my sister-in-law’s neighbors who they happened to bump into the day before in the lift line. No joke. Lunch was okay, but the view was spectacular.

Happy Birthday Lana Banana!

A great thing about spending a week with family is that you can share responsibility for watching over sick and injured kids. Not that I want my nephew to be sick of course, but his having the flu has meant that between aunties and uncles I have been able to leave the house. Thank goodness. Yet as we approached one week since Lana hurt her leg I was feeling all the greater need to make excuses to get out of the house. Both for my sanity as well as for an opportunity for her to test her leg. So on the one week anniversary we ventured out on a walk to the grocery store. We can easily get there on a free bus, but really, this is a much more fun way to get there.

Let me show you how we roll. First we walk across the parking lot of our condo complex. The pavement is heated. I know that sounds ridiculous. It’s not like you can feel being emitted from below your boots, but there is never any ice on the drive. That is awesome.

We took poles to help us will the hill. That was our reason, but we did also want to feel as cool as Auntie Diane and Ti Zé who go on ‘real’ caminos.

As soon as we hit snow those poles came in handy. My husband is already having a difficult time with my daughter’s injury, if she were to fall again he might just lose the rest of his mind. And speaking of my husband, he skied right past us. He did ask if we wanted to wait for him, but my thinking was me might lose our momentum if we stopped. So off we went.

So on we went…

The snowball fight initiated by my daughter is a good sign that her leg is feeling better.

Then we walked up hill. It isn’t too easy, but it’s manageable with good boots (Lana has on mine, thank you very much:)

Do you see the car at the top? That’s the parking lot of the grocery store and the town center. We all made it in one piece. And there you have it. Our camino to our little grocery store.

We are now in Colorado. It is one of my husband’s favorite places on Earth. Now that I have come here I can understand why. It is breathtakingly beautiful. However the other, probably greater reason that he loves Colorado is the skiing. He loves to ski. Understandably so as he is really really good at it. He is a thing to see when he skis. Really beautiful to watch.

I had not skied in over 10 years and I wasn’t sure how it would go, but I did just fine.

My first day out I did not have a helmet so I was quite careful. After finding out how much an adult lesson would cost I asked my husband for pointers. He was patient with me & I was patient with him and I will admit here that I learned a thing or two that first day.

The pictures make our day look much darker than it really was. There must be something about taking pictures on a snowy mountain that causes the camera to overcompensate for the brightness and hence results in a darkened photo. But I assure you, I needed the tinted goggles.

While we were out on the slopes our kids were in ski school. I can teach my kids to read, but I have no idea what to do on on ski hill. My husband may know what to do, but would lose his mind teaching our children. It would not be pleasant for anyone.

So we gave them a hug and a kiss and dropped them both off. Day 1 was great, Day 2 even better. To tell you the truth at this point I was thinking how lucky my children are. I was thinking what a gift we are giving them. Not only do they get to visit another state. But they get to spend our time here with family (visiting from NZ) and friends (our mates our heading over from Cali), but they get to have professional ski instruction on a top mountain at a young age. At a place that looks like this..

So on Day 3 I was a little surprised when Nuno told me he did not want to attend class. He said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to stay home. People, my kids know me well enough to know that a day home with mom means NO technology or treats. And that is how we spent our day. Lana on the other hand went happily off to ski school. At one point in the day I remember thinking how far along she has come. 1) she was skiing. This in itself is a big deal. She is a child that would prefer to read than play with other kids on the playground for the one reason that  that play involves running around. 2) She wanted to go ski. Yep, that one leaves me speechless. 3) She willingly stayed knowing that her brother would not be with her. Not that they’d be in the same class, but this is a child that used to never want to be left anywhere without the ‘backup’ of family.

SOOOOOO you can imagine my surprise when I got to the pick-up area and was approached by Sophia’s instructor who was alone. He started by telling me that Sophia was doing a great job skiing. And then he said something about her taking a challenge to get to level 4 and deciding on her own volition to do a blue square and then hitting ice. I don’t mean to be flip, but this is not characteristic of my kid. My child is the one on day 1 who before lunch was feigning altitude sickness, not the one who challenges herself.

Nuno and I hopped on a gondola and made it up to the clinic where she had been transported to by ski patrol. When I walked in I was greeted by this gorgeous face.

Let me tell you. She was so cute. She started by recounting how she has been wanting to take gymnastics and that today she got to do a tumble turn. But unlike her desire to try in the safety of a gymnastics class on a mat, that she did one on the mountain, after hitting ice. She told me how she hit her head then banged and/or twisted her knee. She couldn’t remember exactly as it happened all so fast. But whatever happened it hurt and my baby cried for 10 minutes straight. Two seats over, at the clinic sat her buddy Will who fell on the same patch of ice. Possibly distracted by watching Lana fall. Poor kid, his shoulder looked more messed up than Lana’s knee. He was sweet and I thought how lucky that Sophia got to meet another wonderful person on this little adventure we call life.

Then we sat, we waited, the clinic was hopping. We were joined by my husband. He was stressed. It as funny to me as he seemed shocked that Lana could get hurt skiing. I mean really, did he think we had signed her up for chess lessons?

Finally she was seen by the doctor and the news was not horrible, but not good either. No broken bones, but she believed it was a torn ligament. That involves MRIs and possibly surgery. I was just happy my kid had a helmet on. Really happy. I am pretty sure his stress was about 1) his baby getting hurt doing something he encouraged her to do 2) his bewilderment at the thought of his bibliophile getting hurt doing a sport 3) the fact that this could be a reason for her to have surgery and 4) the cost, the insurance, the pain in the neck of it all. But whatever it is, he was not a pleasant person to be around.

Well, Lana was totally aware of her stressed out father. So much so, that when we were on the bus heading home she insisted that she was going to use her Christmas/Birthday money on her MRI. Wrong. I hugged her, loved her and told her, “No, we have insurance and daddy is just stressed, but it’s okay. We are okay.” But really, isn’t that sweet?

So we came home and went to bed with a knee brace on our Lana. I was still positive, but when I awoke at 1am I was feeling guilt. Horrible guilt. Here I though we were giving her a gift, but instead she got an injury. A possibly pretty bad injury. Did we push her too far? Did we make her feel like she had to do it to meet our approval? As I thought all these things, I looked over to my daugher who was asleep in bed next to me and in her sleep she mumbles, “I love you mom.” My heart sang. And my brain thanked her. I do not deserve this child. I know that, but I am still grateful for her.

We are at Friday and we somehow got an appointment with the Orthopedic Doctor. More for dad ‘s peace of mind truth be told,but I will be honest we are all happy with the news. It looks like this little monster may only have a bruised muscle and possibly a bruised growth plate. Fingers crossed she does not have a torn meniscus. If so she will be operated on next Thursday. But right now we are positive that she will be better. That we will walk away, without crutches, from Colorado, with smiles on our faces with only good memories of our time here.

I received an email the other day from an old friend asking how we managed the transitions from one move to another. She has a friend who has had to make an international move and her children are not adapting well. My heart goes out to this woman. It is hard enough to organize a life in a new place, but to see your children suffer sadness makes the whole experience miserable. I know. I have been there.

Our first move to Australia was particularly hard on my daughter. We had just dragged her away from her little school that she had attended since she was 3. And what was worse, we took her away from her cherished aunties who doted and spoiled her. My husband and I love our kids, but the love my children received from my family was super special and something we could not duplicate. Couple that with the fact that I was bitter about the move, you can imagine my first month in Australia was not the most fun I had ever had.

So, what did I do? I faked it. Yup, I never let them see me cry. Well, there was that one time that Lana and I both broke down sobbing hysterically in a children’s art class at the local art gallery, but other than that spectacle I never let them see me cry. I was honest that I missed home. Honest that this was an adventure dad wanted to have. Honesty is very important, but I needed to put on a brave face and be positive if I wanted them to try to make it work. I also never blamed their father. He was the reason we left the States and he was very excited about this adventure, but it was pointless to focus on that. I needed to make this an adventure.

So here is what I recommend:

1. Keep busy: I might be a bit crazy, but I think if you are busy you are less likely to be sad. So I try to make sure that we have things to do. This is true for adults as well as for kids. It is also a way to sell yourself on where you are. Finding things to do in Sydney was easy. But really there is no excuse, anywhere. Even in our small village in Portugal there are many options that are not too far. Make your weekends fun. Show the kids that this new place is great. If you are working, than being busy is easy. If you are not working than volunteer. If the kids are in school then take the time to enjoy at least part of the weekend with them.

2. Set up playdates: People, I can not emphasize how important this is. Life is crazy. Weekdays can be insane, but these are kids and they deserve their time to play. This is a challenge here in Portugal as school hours are crazy and activities run very late, but even if it’s only on Fridays and the weekend it is really important for kids to have a relaxed time outside of school to play. When I was in Sydney and in Auckland I would set one day during the school week for each child that they could invite a friend over to play. Reflecting on that I realize that often that drop-off/pick-up time was also a time for me to chat with the parents. It’s how I became friends with some of the people that I now most adore in this world.

3. Get involved: Now I will admit I have been very lucky. On each of these three moves I have not had to work so I have been lucky to volunteer at each of the schools where my children attended. But there are ways to volunteer even if you do work. Even if it’s bringing things to school. Ask the teacher if she needs things cut for the kindergarten class that you can do on the weekends. Bake for the bake sales…anything! Your kids will love it. I have met the best people by volunteering in my kids schools. Even this last one which I thought would be a snob haven I have met just the most gorgeous people. Do it, you will not regret it.

4. Be yourself: When we enrolled our kids at a certain ‘fancy’ school someone in our family suggested we would need to get a new car for school drop off. I had the smallest car with a few dents. My opinion was that I was sending my kids there for an education, not to impress anyone. I am a firm believer that character counts. Of course a flashy car and fancy clothes impress, but if we can not be ourselves than what are we teaching our children to be. This also applies when my daughter tells me that ‘this one can..” or ‘this one has…’ My response is that our family does it this way. I am defining what is right for me and the standards I live by. I want my children to know that defining who they are is their choice, not anyone else’s.

5. Make it an adventure…no one knows where the road will lead you, so enjoy the ride: Do you think I ever thought I would be living in Portugal and happily sending my kids to school here? Never in my wildest dreams, but here I am. And tomorrow. I am not too sure. So we talk, we address issues, we look for possible solutions and we keep sight of that fact that if things are really ever that horrible we will look for a change. Now that is not a perfect solution. At age 7 when we were flying to visit friends I was discussing where we would pick to live that would be fair to everyone and my daughter’s response was, “Can’t you see there is no fair. That there is no way we can all be happy when each of us wants to be in a a different place and sometimes 2 places at once.” Okay, that one got me. But even though our hearts are pulled in different directions, I try to remember how lucky we are to have seen new and different things and to have met people that we can now not imagine not being a part of our lives. It’s hard. But it’s blessed.

6. Don’t lose hope that it can get better: When we arrived in Australia it was the worst time of my life. I was dealing with the residuals of facial paralysis. I felt horrible and ugly and I was in a strange new place with a lot beautiful people. I never, never thought I could make that place home. Two years later I had a wonderful group of friends and my children were a part of a beautiful community. When we left both my children and I did not want to move on. Never had I thought I would feel that way. But I did.

7. Give them heaps of love. Sometimes I am bad at this. I get angry. Lose my patience. Yell. But they are our babies. Love them. And know that they love you. You are family and so long as you are together you will all be alright. And sometimes, when it is really bad, I climb into bed with them and cuddle them. It sometimes is all I want.

Good luck:)

Keep busy

In Portugal, in an attempt to boost sales I am sure, magazines and newspapers have campaigns whereby if you purchase the magazine or newspaper you get something free or you can purchase an item for a much reduced price. I usually pass on the ‘bag’ campaigns, but I admit I am a sucker for educational materials. In the past I have purchased the additional books, usually for my father. Just last week I bought the Biography of Steve Jobs for 1€! My father read it in a couple of days. One campaign I somehow completely missed out on was for Portuguese English bilingual fairy tale books. Typically I do not like bilingual children’s book, but these are fabulous. They were brought to my attention by a friend who works at a gas station. I bought every copy in the series I could get my hands on. We are keeping a copy of each one and the others are gifts for friends back home.

A few weeks ago a new campaign was started through Expresso Newspaper. It included a free poster and 4 weeks of stickers and information on the Kings of Portugal. Knowing nothing about our royal past I thought this would be great for the kids as well as myself.

Yesterday while having breakfast, Lana looks over at the poster as asks almost in an alarmed tone, “Mom, there are no black kings!” Knowing my country’s history, I think my response was, “Of course not”…or “I know.” Honestly, I am not sure even now that Portugal has it in itself to vote in a black man or a a woman for that matter. It took me a second to process that this child has taken for granted the assumption that a black man can be the leader of a nation. For these past 4 years, her president, yes, she still considers herself very American, is a black man. I don’t know if she remembers any of her other presidents. It was such a truly awesome moment for me. Four years ago, I did not know if America had it in itself to vote a black man into power and here my daughter assumes it’s a natural thing. Think what you may about his politics, but I think it’s an awesome shift in thinking.

Now, I did not mar the moment with delving into Portugal’s ugly history in the slave trade and the story of  it’s colonization of African, Asian and South American lands. In part because I did not want to come down from my high. But also people, we were running late for school!